Neighborhood Slow-Cooked Apple Butter

apples
Ugly apples make the best apple butter. #Trust

Growing up, we had an enchanted orchard on our property.

I grew up on the side of a mountain in western Maryland, about an hour from both Baltimore and DC. Our driveway was an old stagecoach route, and the core of our home – the kitchen, the room above the kitchen (mine, eventually), and the dirt-and-stone basement – was 100 years old when I was little.

My childhood being what it was, I spent a lot of time alone, and some of that outside, wandering around the 11 acres of our (mostly) wooded property with a dog, a lot of ticks, and many copperhead snakes. We had a creek that ran through the property, minor rocky caves, and the above-mentioned orchard.

The orchard wasn’t much to look at. With just two each of neglected apple and pear trees, the harvest was uneven and unpretty. In the way of children, I don’t remember any pruning or care taken for that orchard, and I don’t remember any formal apple picking from that orchard. The apples and pears started out small and gnarly and grew more so as I got older, but if I had to guess at a memory I would say they were probably delicious in the way that only non-hybrid, heirloom, planted 30-years-before dwarf apple and pears can be. I took them for granted, I am sure, but I do remember pies, apple butter, and baked apples – the core hollowed out and stuffed full of nuts, raisins, cinnamon, and brown sugar and baked until the apples softened and combined with the sugar to release a syrupy ambrosia.

I remember dappled light streaming through the overgrown branches, the dampness of moss, and a constant hypervigilant awareness of the possibility of snakes. There was a moss-covered rock I spent time on, dreaming and staring out through the golden green undergrowth into the deepness of the rest of the woods.

Fast forward thirty years to five acres in Marietta in 2010 and a modestly larger group of five apple trees (plus six blueberry bushes and a peach tree that was mostly dead and only ever produced one rock-hard but perfectly delicious peach in our time there). Same unkempt branches. Same unlovely apples, but in abundance this time, weighing the branches so that in the fall I thought perhaps the pruning might take care of itself. These were Macintosh apples, I guessed, and covered with black spots that the interwebs assured me would not hurt me but just weren’t pretty to look at.

The squirrels sure loved the apples. They would sit high in the tree and take one bite, hurling them to the ground, often just as we walked by. If they had better aim things might be different, but as it stood then our orchard was littered through the late summer and early fall with half-eaten and partially rotted apples, bees, and the sickly sweet smell of decay.

Even with the squirrels doing their wasteful best, the apples the first year we moved to that house were abundant. I sent my horse’s hoof trimmer home with bags, and anyone else who wanted some, from the neighbor to the mailman to the UPS driver. And still there were too many.

In our urban environment now, there is no easy abundance of fruit – unless you look for it. Just one alley over there is a peach tree loaded with small, hard, but soon-to-be-delicious peaches. Two blocks away is an apple tree, pruned back hard last fall in anticipation of a house sale but coming back gangbusters with big apples. A sad little peach tree shares that yard as well, and an overloaded crabapple tree is just down the block in a pocket park off an alley.

Last week I nearly missed the apple tree down the block. I meant to go on Sunday morning but couldn’t quite drag myself out of bed, and when I passed it walking home from teaching yoga on Wednesday, nearly all the apples within sidewalk reach were gone. I don’t know what kind of apples these are – their texture is spongy and the flavor is tart apple essence rather than a big, bounding punch in the taste buds. But they might as well be my favorite kind – they have the terroir of Hampden, Baltimore. This could be a positive or negative, depending on your perspective, but for me, in many ways this tree brings me back to that enchanted orchard and makes me feel more connected to this city that I am still trying to love in spite of its trash and corruption and inequality. I can come to this tree in all of its stages – barren limbs, shy little buds, bursting flower, heavy with apples, gently drooping with the coming cold – and it brings me a similar peace that I felt in the glade on the side of the mountain in western Maryland.

This recipe is an easy solution to a beautiful abundance of fruit – apples, peaches, or pears. It couldn’t be easier, and you don’t need a stupid Instant Pot to do it. Allowing it to slow-cook overnight (or during the day while you’re at work) deepens the flavors, caramelizes the sugar, and produces a nuanced fruit butter unlike anything I have ever tasted.

Share it with your neighbors.

Neighborhood Slow-Cooked Apple Butter

(makes about four pints)

Ingredients

A dozen or so apples, about six pounds, peeled, cored, and chopped  (see Recipe Notes)

1/4 cup granulated sugar

1/2 cup packed dark brown sugar

1 tablespoon ground cinnamon

1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg (freshly ground if you can)

1/2 teaspoon ground cloves

hearty pinch of salt

Method

Place all ingredients in your slow cooker and stir to combine.

Let it cook on low for eight hours, or high for four to six. You sort of know when it’s done. Look for completely soft apples, like melted butter almost. If your slow cooker isn’t slow, keep an eye on it and watch for burning. If your apples are not very juicy, you can add a little apple cider (1/4 cup or so).

When the apples are cooked, use an immersion blender (if you have one) to blend until velvety smooth. If your apple butter is not a dark, luscious brown, it needs a little more time. You can let it cook on low for another hour or so.

If you don’t have an immersion blender, you can use a regular blender. Be mindful of lava scalding hot apple butter flying from the blender, though. That shit is deadly.

Recipe Notes

  • Because the neighborhood apples were not as flavorful as I would have liked, about half of my most recent recipe was supplemented by Braeburn apples, which are a good crunchy combination of tart and sweet. Straight up pie apples require more sugar to make a proper apple butter than I would like to use, so go for a mix of sweet and tart. For god’s sakes, don’t use Red or Yellow Delicious.
  • An apple peeler makes life so much easier. I use this one.
  • This recipe can be preserved with canning. The USDA would prefer that you use a pressure canner, but I have canned this by ladling hot apple butter into clean, sterilized pint jars and boiling in a water bath for 15 minutes.  If I don’t hear the pop of the lid, I eat it within two weeks, give it away, or freeze it. Some people add citric acid to deter bacteria, but I like to live on the edge.

Just Ten More Strokes – Truly Citrony Lemon Bars

 

lemon tart gluten-free
“See, Red? When life hands you lemons, you know what you gotta do?” “Wow,” Lauren said. “Yes, Mr. Cliché, I know what I have to do. I make lemonade.” “No,” he said. “You scream, ‘Fuck you, lemons!” “And then you throw those goddamn lemons into oncoming traffic, and you go do what you want to do.” ― Priscilla Glenn, Back to You

I cook when I am sad.

I cook when I am happy.

I cook to comfort people.

I have, at times, and much to my chagrin and embarrassment at my passive aggression, not cooked when someone made me angry.

I cook when I have no thoughts in my head.

I cook when there are so many thoughts in my head that my ears are ringing to the beat of my heart and my jaw is tense and I wake myself up in the night, grinding my teeth flat.

I cook when I don’t want to write and also when I do and also when I have things to write that I cannot put down on paper just in case I die and someone goes through my papers and it’s not something that anyone should be reading.

The only time I don’t cook is when I am can’t figure out who to cook for and making anything would waste food.

Except for the only other time that I don’t cook, which is when despair sets in.

Despair is a big word, like “disappointment.” I try to use my words carefully; I am critical in my head (and sometimes out of my mouth) when people toss words around in cavalier fashion. They matter, words do, even in this age of grunting and listicles and pictures.

So. Despair.

The dictionary defines it as “the complete loss or absence of hope.”

On all but my worst days, it’s possible for me to avoid this word. There is always something to reach for. Or even just to pin my mind to, just for a little while until the feeling passes.

My dad told me the story once of a guy who swam the English Channel. He (my dad) said the guy was interviewed, and one of the questions was, “How did you make it across?” Which is a really DUMB QUESTION, but many of my father’s stories and jokes featured dumb shit prominently.

The swimmer replied, “I just told myself to swim ten more strokes. And after I swam ten strokes, I thought, well, I can just swim ten more. So I swam across the Channel, ten strokes at a time.”

Frankly, this story is so neat and tidy and fits his long-forgotten point so well that I am pretty sure my dad made it up. Which was also part of his M.O.

But it works for many different aspects of my life.

On this day, I am trying to keep the English Channel in mind. There have been three deaths in and around my life in the past four weeks: two friends of my daughter’s and yesterday, my uncle. I don’t feel much like baking today, and despite the unutterably gorgeous weather of the past two days, I don’t feel much like going outside. But today I will force myself out of the bed. I will wash some laundry, and then some dogs, and maybe I will write for money and drag myself out for a little walk.

And I will definitely dig out my mother’s recipe for Truly Citrony Lemon Bars, which I will turn into a tart and bring to a friend who maybe might appreciate them. This uses plain, simple ingredients that you have lying around, which makes it easy because there is very little actual effort involved.

It’s the whole when life hands you lemons thing. Ten more strokes.

Truly Citrony Lemon Tart

Ingredients

1 stick butter, softened

1/4 cup powdered sugar (plus more for dusting)

1 cup gluten-free all-purpose flour (regular works here, too)

1 cup sugar

1/4 teaspoon salt

1/2 cup lemon juice (I used three lemons, but they were very juicy)

1 teaspoon baking powder

2 heaping tablespoons gluten-free all-purpose flour (regular works here, too)

Method

Preheat oven to 350.

Cream butter and sugar together, then add flour. Continue to beat until mixture clumps like dough.

Press dough on the bottom and slightly up the sides of a round tart pan (or 9×9″ glass baking dish).

Bake for 15 minutes.

While the crust is baking, mix together all remaining ingredients.

Pour filling over hot crust and bake again for 30 minutes.

Remove from oven and cool completely. Dust with powdered sugar to serve.

Advice To A Child Upon Her Graduation. Plus, Summer Pasta

The Child graduates tomorrow. Specifically, this child:

Baby Sis, couldn’t be more than three here.

She was born two weeks late, big blue eyes wide open. She had a full mop of black hair that she never lost, and from the moment she was born I was utterly in love. I  had no idea.

She is a badass, a sensitive soul with an iron will. She is funny and gorgeous and loving and kind and sometimes a total PITA.

A whole lifetime ago as Yogi, with a pop-to-pop of less than three seconds at the end of her career. She knows what that means.

She procrastinates like her mother and is stubborn like her father. She is loyal and compassionate and a very good friend to her friends.

Their last Father’s Day in 2012. She had $12, so she paid for three $1 tickets to take the family to see the Orioles beat the Atlanta Braves in Atlanta, with enough left over to buy her dad a beer.

She loved her father and was devoted to him. This is the first major milestone he will miss, and I can’t say too much about that because it’s too hard already and I have to finish this very important post.

Sicily and I have been joking about it, though, saying she is a first-generation high school graduate, which is technically true because both her father and I could not quite make it across the stage. This ridiculous joke lightens things up a bit.

Because this child loves to laugh. She is a joyful human being.

France, avec le chien.

So on this, the week of her high school graduation, I have compiled some advice. Sicily and I have an odd relationship in that when I offer her advice, sometimes she takes it.

Shocking, but true. #SmartGirl

I don’t expect this trend to continue; I fully expect her to blaze a path of her own mistakes, hopefully learning as she goes.

Some of this advice is practical; some is philosophical.

(side note: much of this applies to adults who have been out of high school for a long time. #TheMoreYouKnow)

Like to hear it? Here it go. 

Take up space

You deserve to be here. Don’t hide your light under a bushel. Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine. You have been humble about your achievements, quietly going about building a tiny house, giving two TEDTalks, and living abroad in your junior year. These are the experiences that make you who you are. Own them.

Also, own your shit.

You will mess many, many things up for the whole of your life. Take responsibility. Don’t make excuses about why you fucked it up – apologize, see if you can make it right, do what you can, and try hard not to make the same mistake again. Be humble and truly apologetic, then make amends and move on.

Allow yourself to be vulnerable

You have already experienced breathtaking, devastating pain with the death of your father. It will not be the last time. This is just how things go in this one life we know about. It is a raging cliché to say that the pain is worth it, but my goodness. It totally is. Show your true self to the people who deserve to see it to get at the equally achingly beautiful parts of life.

Work hard

It’s not enough to envision your life. Go get it. Work for what you want. Yeah, sometimes it’s nice to get things handed to you, but there is value in hard, effort-filled, productive work. One of the best times of my life was working for a tree service in Colorado in August. I spent eight hours a day in 95+-degree weather, bucking downed trees and shoving them into the chipper. Every day I left the job with a salt ring at my hairline, and every night I left the bathtub with a dirt ring around the rim. Some days you have to put your head down and do it. Be grateful in your work – that you have it, and that you have the body and will to do it.

Design your own life

There is no rule that you have to buy a house, get married, have a dog, have babies, keep a full-time office job. This fits for a lot of people, but it’s not the law. You do not have to squeeze yourself into anyone’s idea of your life, not even mine. Life is crazy in that you have all the time in the world and none at all, concurrently, so make every effort to figure out what it is you want this journey to be like, then move towards that as you can. It will probably not be a straight line, and it certainly won’t be easy, but it will, in the end, be all yours. Enjoy the search – the terror, the joy, the struggle, the triumph, the failure – just as much as the finding.

Brush your goddamn teeth.

You will regret it if you don’t.

Know your worth

You deserve people who appreciate you and understand your value. I know you have that little voice in your head that sometimes says you aren’t worth it or you’re not good enough or who cares what you think. That voice has no idea what it’s talking about. Remind it, and yourself, that you are worthy, as many times as you need to, to get that voice to STFU.

Always have some cash

Speaking of worth, make sure you always have a little cash. It needn’t be much. Twenty bucks in various bills is usually good for most anything – tipping, helping someone out, getting yourself out of a place you don’t want to be, buying a meal for someone who needs it, buying a cup of lemonade from a sidewalk stand.

ALWAYS buy a cup of lemonade from a sidewalk stand

No matter how much it costs.

Get sweaty every day

I can’t believe I actually agree with Matthew McConaughey. He advocates breaking a sweat every day. Not a nervous poodle type of way, but as a move-your-body-daily type of way. This is rock solid advice from someone who may be a little more than slightly off his rocker (#Shirtless Bongos). Exercise also falls into the excellent advice provided by another slightly crazy creative person:

“The cure for anything is salt water: sweat, tears or the sea. – Isak Dinesen”

Movement helps nearly everything that hurts.

Don’t be The Giving Tree

You know that book about the tree that gives everything to that selfish little boy who just takes and takes and never gives anything back? Yeah, don’t be that tree. That tree is loving and gives every scrap of itself to a person who has no respect and no boundaries for the tree and its basic needs for survival. Every time I read it I keep hoping in the end that the little boy/old man has some revelation about what a selfish jackass he has been, but it never happens. Giving selflessly is a beautiful thing – giving foolishly is not. Learn the difference.

Stay in touch with the people you love, even if they don’t stay in touch with you

Letters are a lost art. Send one every now and then, even if you know you won’t get one in return. Get a small pack of blank notes, and send one out to someone when the urge strikes. You would be surprised at how good this makes people feel.

Send thank you notes

Even to people who interview you for a job. Really. Take five minutes to acknowledge a gift, a small effort, someone’s time. Emails and texts don’t cut it. Just use the blank cards you bought and be sincere. We don’t express gratitude nearly enough. Make this the hill you die on – being grateful.

Have one impressive meal you can serve in a pinch

Well, it is a food blog, after all, so there has to be at least one food-related piece of advice. Feeding people should not be crazy-making. Sometimes you want to make something effortless that every single person will love, something that is so delicious that people request it when they visit. This week Aunt Karlene is in town for graduation, and she has requested “that tomato pasta” for the night they arrive.

I wish this was my recipe, but it totally is not. “That tomato pasta” comes from the original Silver Palate Cookbook, and it is my rock-solid, company’s-coming summer go-to. You mix basil, brie, olive oil, and tomatoes in a big serving bowl in the morning, and then when it’s dinner time you boil up a mess of linguine and mix them in with the basil, brie, olive oil, and tomatoes. The cheese melts, the tomatoes warm, and the basil releases its beautiful fragrance over the whole table. I use gluten-free noodles for myself, and if I am feeling ambitious I might make a gluten-free baguette. Add a huge green salad and dinner is served.

My sweetest girl, on this Monday before you move into the next phase of life: I love you. I am proud of you. Congratulations.

Linguine With Tomatoes And Basil

Ingredients
4 large ripe tomatoes, cut into 1/2 inch cubes
1 pound Brie, rind removed, torn into irregular pieces
1 cup fresh basil leaves, rinsed, patted dry, and cut into strips
3 garlic cloves, peeled and finely minced
1 cup plus 1 tablespoon best-quality olive oil
1/2 teaspoon salt, plus additional to taste
1/2 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
1 1/2 pounds linguine

Method
1. At least 2 hours before serving, combine the tomatoes, Brie, basil, garlic, the 1 cup olive oil, and 1/2 teaspoon each salt and pepper in a large bowl.
2. Bring 6 quarts salted water to a boil in a large pot. Add 1 tablespoon olive oil and the linguine, and boil until tender but still firm, 8-10 minutes.
3. Drain the pasta and immediately toss with the tomato sauce. Serve at once, passing the pepper mill, and the grated Parmigiano-Reggiano cheese if you like.

What advice do you wish you had received as a high school graduate?

Roy Choi’s Instant Ramen, Tarted Up

Seriously? Don’t hate. This. Is. AMAZING.

It’s hot, and I just made Roy Choi’s instant ramen anyway.

Yes, that is a pat of butter in the top left.

Yes, that is two slices of American cheese.

Yes, I used GF ramen and organic American cheese. Pretty sure that doesn’t matter.

This bowl is LYFE, people.

Get the recipe here and get this ramen in your life.

Thank you, Roy Choi. I am forever in your debt.

It’s The End Of The World: Sugar Snap Pea Spring Cocktail

Stay thirsty. Or don’t. We are all going to die anyway.

One way or another, it’s the apocalypse.

Whether it’s lava in Hawaii, nuclear war with Iran, or civil war here in the good ‘ol U.S.of A, it seems like the end is nigh.

But meanwhile, here in Baltimore, the city is spring blooming with new life that temporarily hides the trash and rats and decay and hopelessness that normally decorates Charm City. For this one week or even possibly this one month before the whispering gloom of humidity descends, Baltimore on the eve of the apocalypse is beautiful.

Either way – hopeful and blooming or despondent and withering under the heat of the certain destruction – you need a [seasonal] drink.

Enter the Sugar Snap Pea Spring Cocktail.

Leave me alone about the name. I’m bad at drink names and blog post titles. It’s about the drink.

Start with a sugar snap pea simple syrup and go from there. My particular friend and I tested it three ways; below are all of them. Seriously? You can’t go wrong with any of them.

Sugar Snap Pea Spring Cocktail

Start with the sugar snap pea simple syrup, then proceed to the variations below. 

Sugar Snap Pea Simple Syrup

1 cup sugar

1 cup water

1 cup rough chopped fresh sugar snap peas

Method

Bring water and sugar to a boil in a heavy saucepan over medium heat. Add snap peas and let boil for one minute. Turn off heat and let cool completely. Use a mesh strainer to remove the sugar snap pea bits.  Keeps in the ‘fridge for a week.

Variations

For all of these, fill a highball glass with ice (we used whole cubes but crushed would be fine). Add ingredients in order and use a barspoon to combine. Squeeze that fruit in the cocktail. It’s not just for decoration. Jeez.

Prettiest of All

1.5 oz. Empress Hotel PURPLE GIN*

1 oz. sugar snap pea simple syrup

Tonic of your choice (we used good old Seagram’s but you could surely get fancy AF with artisanal bullshit if you must. That makes it more about your tonic water than the syrup, but hey. That’s on you.)

Lemon wedge

Prettiest of All, Variation

1.5 oz Empress Hotel PURPLE GIN*

1 oz. sugar snap pea simple syrup

Lemon seltzer

Lemon wedge

Most Sugar Snap Pea Flavor (my personal favorite, even though it’s not the prettiest)

2 oz. Tito’s vodka

1.5 oz. sugar snap pea simple syrup

Lemon seltzer

*Be very, very jealous that you do not have a good artist friend in Vancouver, Corey Hardeman, who is not only incredibly talented but is also incredibly generous and thoughtful and who sends you beautiful paintings of grumpy owls and paint-thumbprinted bottles of purple gin that just are not available anywhere else so you can drink elegant and beautiful cocktails whenever you like.